Sex, Lies, & Double Lives

Men and women are known to have lied and cheated before. But then there's another level of deceit; carrying a double life. Not just a one night stand with another person but a full fledged on going relationship where neither parties have a clue about each other.

I say that takes a lot of energy for one person to juggle two lives with a full-time job.

Sad to say, it's happened to me. And I was the other woman! We first met through a mutual person and the relationship seemed cool. I wasn't ready for nothing serious yet but he was. We carried on and he was very attentive and affectionate.

A few months after he moved away to start a new life. We tried the long distance relationship but that soon fizzled. After a year or so later, he moved back to NYC. We reconnected and rekindled our relationship. This time I should have looked at all the warning signs, but by choice I ignored them since I wasn't serious with him.
The fact that he wasn't as available as he used to be and he would talk on the cell phone outside when I went to visit him. I'm not a clingy or needy type of individual and enjoyed my freedom as well, so I rarely asked questions about his deceit.
He did admit he had a girlfriend who was pregnant before he had moved but they since had broken up and he claimed she had an abortion. I still was skeptical about his behavior and knew he wasn't the same person he was before his move. I should have let him be on that alone but instead I kept my distance and didn't give him too much of myself.
We did spend some time together, every 2wks we would see each other since we both had hectic schedules, we never asked too much of each other's time until I moved into my own apartment and he began coming to see me more often. He mentioned he wanted to move in, I told him it wasn't a good idea (his behavior wasn't relationship standards). I wasn't going to allow him to move in with me then one day I was involved in a near fatal car accident where I was thrown out of my vehicle's windshield 60ft.

I had went through a transformation after that day. I had a new lease on life, loved everything and everyone in it. This wasn't my usual self, always cynical. Now open and accepting everything and everyone. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and opened my heart to him, the wrong one, at the wrong time, unbeknown to me as to who I was really dealing with.
I let him move in, he was there day in and day out, only to leave to go to work. But I should have read the signs I ignored due to my heart being open and my eyes shut.
The signs that show when a man is just there to pass time, and everything else that's important, I'm not involved in (he's in my life, I'm not apart of his). I hadn't met his family, he never brought his older daughter I met in the beginning over. He kept his distance yet was always wondering what man was trying to talk to me.
I thought we were working toward something with baby steps, I had no clue that six months after he moved in he would take me to dinner to break the news that he was moving out the next day.
I thought to myself, who would do that? Who would just move out without giving someone a notice well in advance. How can someone just drop a bomb like that during a nice dinner? I knew he was looking for a place so he can live on his own, I admired that, but I didn't know he had found one. I was upset and crying that he would leave me like that. Being vulnerable and hurt while still dealing with the after affects of the car accident and having a severe concussion, my brain was still healing, I had already been depressed from having to drop out of college due to the fact that I couldn't focus and had an attention span of 30seconds. I felt helpless and with this news, I felt used and cruelly abused.
He did leave the next day, and he didn't call me for 2wks although I had tried countless times. He finally called back but gave me a bullshit excuse as to why he couldn't call.
We carried on our relationship, for the rest of that year, until one day, my girlfriend called me while my boyfriend and I was just going to bed. She was frantic and crying that she had caught her man cheating on her. That he had been seeing another female while he was with her. He had cheated on her before and seemed to need this extra attention from other women it seem on a regular. She had went into his phone and that was how she found out. If a man makes you feel so insecure that you have to go looking through their phone, then you know it's no good. I never would look in my boyfriend's phone, I trusted him. Or so I thought.
The next day, while my boyfriend was in the shower, I had decided to pick up his phone and see what numbers he called and what names they were under since men give pseudo-names in their cell phones to cover their dirt.
I found a number that wasn't mine under "Wifey", and another that read "Batcave." I called both, the one with "wifey" went to voicemail and the woman's voice came on and she said her name. I then called the "batcave" and the same woman answered. I said, "sorry, wrong number" and hung up.
I then ran to the bathroom and asked him if 973 is Newark, he answered, "yes, why." I ran out the bathroom and he chased me to the bedroom door but I was able to lock and close the door as he touched it. I called the "batcave" number, which was their house number, she answered. It was that same girl he said was his ex-girlfriend who had an abortion. I found out that she had known about me as his friend, that she knew he lived with me, "as his friend." We were definitely more than just friends I told her, I mentioned somethings he had said to me and found out he told her the same; about getting us engagement rings, got her a kitten, then gave it to me, and about moving to another place. I felt like I was living a lie. How did I allow something like this to happen to me. I fought within myself struggling between who I was and who I've come to be; girl before accident vs the girl I had come to be, weak. I was vulnerable, and he took advantage.

Every man has a reason as to why they lead a double life. They can have the best woman any man would want under their arm, yet they find a need to live a double life because something is missing in them. Whether they think the grass is greener on the other side or that living this type of life is challenging and exciting, or that one woman has what the other doesn't, so they fulfill a need to have both which will meet all their needs is a selfish behavior that ends up ruining families.

Heart vs. Mind / Affectionate vs. Logical

Everyone has had their share of drama in relationships. I have a variety of friends, all strong minded, so how do we end up in the relationships that have turmoil? There's always a struggle between our hearts and our minds, and which we should let govern our decisions at that moment. If you have to struggle, then I say go with your mind, there wouldn't be a fight between the two if it was easy, right? It's always easier said than done because our hearts don't allow it to be over just yet. So when is it over? When we have exhausted all the good out of the relationship and you are left with only pain? I've always looked back at my serious relationships and wished I had left when I still had some dignity left.
I had a discussion one time with one of my friends about what type of woman do men want. Do men prefer a less educated woman who is attentive, affectionate, at their man's beck and call, who supports her man in all that he does. Doesn't fight, complain, or have an opinion. Who cooks, cleans, takes care of the home, kids, and is dependent on her man for everything. Or would a man prefer an independent and educated woman who is independent and about her business, goes out with friends having a life outside the relationship as well, who expects her mate to contribute to half of everything, and who sometimes is opinionated, showing she has a mind of her own.
I've seen men who like the ones who stay home and take care of everything, I myself think that's a man who likes to have control. Then there's men who enjoy having an independent woman & yet some are intimidated. I have been both, changing to suit my ex and what I believe he wanted. But I wasn't being true to who I am, I'm just not domesticated.